“When the music and dance create with accord…their magic captivates both the heart and the mind.” – Jean-Georges Noverre
Music inspires movement. Movement by oneself is free, seemingly without bounds. But movement, aka dance, involving a pair requires coordination – leading, following, advancing, retreating, planning for success, and planning for recovery.
Relationships are like dances, swelling and fading, forming life’s soundtrack. Like an expertly choreographed dance team wherein one member’s success hinges on the movements of another, the quality of our relationships is determined by the intentionality with which we lead, follow, advance, retreat, plan for success, and recovery plan.
Neither music nor dance is happenstance, despite emerging freestyle forms. There are underlying principles that, when violated, create chaos rather than harmony. Relationships follow similar guidelines.
Conflict in relationships arises when the dance steps of one person change from the anticipated routine. The music scratches to a halt and the partners stumble. In this way, relationships diverge from orchestrated musical pieces. They are rife with unexpected changes in tempo and key.
Knowing this, we must prepare ourselves to expect the unexpected. How do we do this?
By having realistic expectations of ourselves.
Sadly, and ineffectually, we enter relationships forming unrealistic expectations. They’re unrealistic because we base them on who we think the other person should be, how and when they should move, and whether they’re in agreement with our choice of rhythm.
Any expectation that you have of another person is unrealistic.
The only realistic expectations that exist are those which you control. And the only person you control is you!
That means when conflict arises – not if, but when – you must have properly placed your expectations on who you will be, how you will move, and whether you will change or maintain your rhythm.
You might be frustratingly thinking, but am I just supposed to have zero expectations of others? Truth be told, you have needs. Yes, it’s your responsibility to express those needs to the people with whom you choose to engage in relationship.
But then, the expectation isn’t on the other person to meet or not meet the need you’ve expressed. The expectation is on you to decide what you will do if they meet or don’t meet the need you’ve expressed.
Let’s say you ask someone to check in on you occasionally because you feel like you need more support from them. A week goes by, and they don’t check in. What happens next?
You don’t grab the other person by the shoulders and try to make them do what you want them to do. That’s impossible. That’s trying to control the moves of your dance partner, which defeats the purpose and beauty of collective movement altogether.
No, that’s your cue to step back and evaluate what you will do.
You might ask yourself questions like: Do I need to ask someone different to be this support to me? Is this person capable of being the friend I need them to be? Did I express my need clearly or was I too vague? Did I ask if they would agree to meet the need I expressed? Will I ask them again and wait to see what happens? Will I share my feelings of disappointment with them? Will I remain quiet or do nothing and secretly let my anger fester?
It’s not your responsibility to meet your own needs any more than it’s the responsibility of a dance partner to perform both sets of steps in a partnership dance. It is, however, your responsibility to express your need and then decide what moves you will make if the other person does or doesn’t deliver.
When you put your focus on what and who you control – aka, you – that is the practice of mental health. And when you engage in it, that’s when your performance captures hearts and minds.
This is mental health (and music).
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